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In Honor of Friday’s Royal Wedding, Fascinators and White Shoes.

26 Apr

Look, I know what you’re thinking. This wedding hasn’t even happened yet and people won’t shut up about it. I’ve been perusing CNN, Vanity Fair and Perez Hilton online this morning, just casually catching up on my very important reading, and Royal Wedding dramz is all over the place. I’m in Ireland right now and there are television programs about it. I say, though, the more coverage the merrier. To me this is like a way more interesting and more stunning version of Halley’s Comet. It only comes around every so often, amigos.

Because the name of Kate Middleton’s wedding dress designer is a closer guarded secret then where Whitey Bulger is hiding, I bring you: fascinators and white shoes.

I was at a horse race this past saturday and let me tell you I saw some serious hats and head pieces. So many in fact that even though there would be no place in America that I could wear one of these without my friends (or a perfect strangers) ridicule, I am still determined that I need one to fill a void in my faux European soul.

Fascinators:

1. Rhinestone Armadillo 2-5. BBC.com

The White Out:

1. Louboutin 2. Givenchy 3. Louboutin 4. Fascinator Sandal, omg DVF.

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Topshop, I love you.

21 Apr

Topshop, I love you. NEED YOU.

I’ve deserted poor Sarah for the next few weeks and am currently in Dublin, just casually hanging out, drinking mini sauv bottles and doin’ Margo things. But you know what that means? Street Style. And possibly some other wonderful travel inspired posts. STILL YOUR BEATING HEARTS.

One place that I am absolutely going today is Topshop. Two of my cousins and I have an unhealthy obsession with the store and when they are in London and I am in Dublin (or the rare occasion we are all in NYC at the same time) we RUN to Topshop like cult followers. It’s not a pretty sight, but our dedication and loyalty is to be admired, eh? I’ll give you the prices in dollars instead of euro or pounds. The only Topshop in the good old US of A is currently in NYC but you can order online at http://www.topshop.com. Here’s some pieces I’ll be on the hunt for today:

LOIS Orange Suede Platform Sandals, $130:

Nude Sleeveless Tuck Detail Dress, $95:

Black Tulip Sleeve Tea Dress, $80:

Cream Crochet Collar Swing Top, $66:

Mint Bow Blouse, $75:

Red Pleated Short Skirt, $70:

Premium Oyster Silky Blazer, $175:

Scalloped Suede Clutch, $100:

Panthea Cut Out Boots, $210:

Orange Cutaway Halter Dress, $75

Bonus points if you can guess what my two new favorite colors are. Subtlety was never really my thing. Hello Topshop, Goodbye euro.

The “You’re Undateable” List:

20 Apr

There are some fashion faux pas that make guys completely undateable.**

Escuchame, I may be able to help you. Women will judge you on how you look in the first 10 to 15 seconds they see you. If you’re dressed like a fool, you already lost out. The only thing that might be able to save you now is beer googles, but let’s be serious; once those wear off you’re right back where you started. So-lo.

Chinese takeout for one, please? Oh, awkward you gave me two chopstick sets thinking I’d have someone to share this with….. but yet, I am alone.

BUT WHY? It could be the way you look. I’ve posted about this before. So here are some other things you need to avoid at all times and definitely at all costs.

DO NOT:

Wear Ed Hardy in public, ever, for any reason. I don’t care how Jersey you think you are. NO EXCUSES. Especially if it’s a *shudder* man tank.

Sport super-baggy oversized jeans. If I see this I’m going to pants you. And it’s going to be completely non-sexual and highly embarrassing. You’ve been warned.

….and threatened.

Wear a shirt tighter than that girl you wish was your girlfriend.

….I can see your nips.

Go out in mandals, ever.

Wear jean shorts. This is not the 80’s and you look like a douchebag.

Terrible sneakers = you’re sleeping alone tonight. …again.

Sport bad facial hair. Lip fur is an instant deal breaker, every single time.

Bad haircuts PAIRED with terrible facial hair.

Now, re-access, go fourth and womanize! I’m in your corner, rooting for you. Change is possible.

** Yes, I realize “undateable” is not actually a real word in the English language but has that stopped me before? No, the answer is a resounding and ear piercing NO.

Cougar Life!

13 Apr

Oh boys, look what I found! Having trouble finding that perfect cougar? No need to trouble yourself further; look what I just discovered whilst researching on the interwebs for Man Wednesday ….. Cougar Life! A dating website specifically designed for younger men who are cougar hunting. Sign up, bag a cougar.

You. Are. Welcome.

A Letter From John to the Ladies:

13 Apr

*Note, I added the pink myself. Charmed, I’m sure. I think it gives author John a classy touch, no? The rest is his delightful email to me word for word. He makes some good points about whiny females. Read on, ladies (and men).

Man Wednesday

Hello women and gays of the world wide web! For this entry, masochist Margo & slob Sarah have asked me to write a two part “Man Wednesday” piece on (a) What all women do that men hate, and (b) Things women do on first dates that kill their chances.  Before we embark on this mystical journey, otherwise known as my erratic, deviant rants, please understand two things: (1) I forgot to write this piece on time and therefore had to wake up at 4:30 to write it before work under the threat of getting “the look” from Marge and Sarah – so please be empathetic if the sentence structure is subpar or my thought processes are not clearly explained. (2) I almost never date, but in order to not look pathetic, I will feign experience and pretend to know what I’m talking about.

Actions of the Softer Sex… That the Harder Sex Despises

  • Be Nice: I can’t think of anything that annoys me more than having to put up with a legitimate bitch, I mean honestly – nothing comes off more smutty than a lady on her high horse (not literally.. Marge) who goes out of her way to put others down.  This is a fairly all-encompassing statement, which covers anything from a bitch calling someone fat to all the bitches who told me I’m not attractive…  I mean seriously, I was a child model.  Ugh, bitches….
  • We Don’t Want to Listen to Your Feminist Rants: I am all for equal rights and all that jazz, but I do not want to hear your opinion about women’s suffrage at a bar or party.  Also, please look up “suffrage” in a dictionary before you start shouting “End Women’s Suffrage” in front of others, because I’ve seen it and it makes you look like an idiot.
  • Body Sizes: To reiterate what our gym teacher told us during 6th grade sex-ed, we all come in different shapes and sizes. Ladies, to put it bluntly, some are underweight, some are of average weight, and some are overweight.  If you are underweight, do not… I repeat, DO NOT run around claiming to others that you’re fat as a desperate plea for attention or peer support: it makes you look pathetic.  If you’re of a healthy/average weight – good on you.  If you’re overweight, know it, accept it, hell – who cares, be proud of it.  But it appears as if a higher ratio of larger ladies (compared with non-larger gals) run around inciting drama, fellating guys they just met or are just seem ashamed of themselves… cheer up!  And on a side note, just a word of advice (not from personal experience): tugging random Johnsons is not going to improve your self-esteem.
  • Cat Fights: Classless and annoying… cut the shit, ladies.
  • Sexual Intercourse: I’ll save this topic for a later date

Dating

  • This is certainly debatable – but I believe that guy should be paying for the bill (on the first couple dates AT A MINIMUM), so don’t put up a fuss or make a scene.
  • Don’t put out on the first date, because we will, I repeat we WILL fornicate with you.  But will literally have almost no respect for you.
  • If you’re on an actual date – do you think getting shithoused is appropriate if you’re actually attempting to impress someone?  This is obviously more applicable for the male arena, but I’m sure there are a couple of lushy ladies reading this.  If you are one of said lushy lady, please seek help (cough cough Margaret & Sarah).

That is all for this Man Wednesday – I rushed it at the end because I’m running late for work (that’s what she said), see you all next week.

Respectfully,

John

 

Smell Like Bacon, Dominate at Life. It’s That Easy.

7 Apr

Bacōn is dead serious and I’m pretty sure I love it. Somebody please spray this hint of bacon cologne all over their bod and let me sniff you. I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS WORKS. Fargginay might be on to something here. Essential oils derived from bacon scents? Sexual/Tasty.

My only real concern is that I like animals so I truly hope pigs weren’t hurt in the making of this cologne. From what I’ve read on http://www.fargginay.com (Q&A) I can’t be sure since all it says is “bacon essence”. That might mean bacon or it might mean a combination of sophisticated aromas that mimic bacon. Spraying pig fat on your body is probably just a little too weird for me, but at the moment I’m ultimately conflicted. It’s too soon to judge.

Either way I need someone to order this and try it out. I can only assume Bacōn is a real panty dropper. Email me DailyDoseOfLIES@gmail.com if you’re willing and able to be baconized. I’m excited to see what prospects this could bring.

Just a Cobra On The Town, Tweeting Away:

29 Mar

As I’m sure most of you already know, one of the world’s deadliest snakes, an Egyptian Cobra, has escaped from the Bronx Zoo in New York and is currently slithering around somewhere, just doin’ snake things. You’ll be interested to see that someone brilliant made the on the run snake a Twitter account with some pretty hilarious places he could be. Ellen Degeneres already tweeted him today. Cobra’s just slithering around, making sure things are snake accessible – as you do.

Here’s some of his best Tweets:

BronxZoosCobra: Snake accessible! RT @TheEllenShow Hey @BronxZoosCobracheck the Guggenheim They’ve a great Kandinsky exhibit, also don’t have any stairs.

BronxZoosCobra: @peternbcnews Don’t turn around. I’m right behind you. Just kidding! lol!

BronxZoosCobra: Taking the Sex and the City Tour!!! I’m totally a SSSamantha.#snakeonthetown

BronxZoosCobra: Just FYI, I’ve had it with Samuel L. Jackson too.

BronxZoosCobra: Holding very still in the snake exhibit at the Museum of Natural History. This is gonna be hilarious!

BronxZoosCobra: Gonna take a ViPR class at @Equinox Greenwich Ave. From the sound of this it should be cake. #snakeonthetown

Follow the Cobra @BronxZoosCobra

Tweet on, little buddy…..

haiiii!