A Letter From John to the Ladies:

13 Apr

*Note, I added the pink myself. Charmed, I’m sure. I think it gives author John a classy touch, no? The rest is his delightful email to me word for word. He makes some good points about whiny females. Read on, ladies (and men).

Man Wednesday

Hello women and gays of the world wide web! For this entry, masochist Margo & slob Sarah have asked me to write a two part “Man Wednesday” piece on (a) What all women do that men hate, and (b) Things women do on first dates that kill their chances.  Before we embark on this mystical journey, otherwise known as my erratic, deviant rants, please understand two things: (1) I forgot to write this piece on time and therefore had to wake up at 4:30 to write it before work under the threat of getting “the look” from Marge and Sarah – so please be empathetic if the sentence structure is subpar or my thought processes are not clearly explained. (2) I almost never date, but in order to not look pathetic, I will feign experience and pretend to know what I’m talking about.

Actions of the Softer Sex… That the Harder Sex Despises

  • Be Nice: I can’t think of anything that annoys me more than having to put up with a legitimate bitch, I mean honestly – nothing comes off more smutty than a lady on her high horse (not literally.. Marge) who goes out of her way to put others down.  This is a fairly all-encompassing statement, which covers anything from a bitch calling someone fat to all the bitches who told me I’m not attractive…  I mean seriously, I was a child model.  Ugh, bitches….
  • We Don’t Want to Listen to Your Feminist Rants: I am all for equal rights and all that jazz, but I do not want to hear your opinion about women’s suffrage at a bar or party.  Also, please look up “suffrage” in a dictionary before you start shouting “End Women’s Suffrage” in front of others, because I’ve seen it and it makes you look like an idiot.
  • Body Sizes: To reiterate what our gym teacher told us during 6th grade sex-ed, we all come in different shapes and sizes. Ladies, to put it bluntly, some are underweight, some are of average weight, and some are overweight.  If you are underweight, do not… I repeat, DO NOT run around claiming to others that you’re fat as a desperate plea for attention or peer support: it makes you look pathetic.  If you’re of a healthy/average weight – good on you.  If you’re overweight, know it, accept it, hell – who cares, be proud of it.  But it appears as if a higher ratio of larger ladies (compared with non-larger gals) run around inciting drama, fellating guys they just met or are just seem ashamed of themselves… cheer up!  And on a side note, just a word of advice (not from personal experience): tugging random Johnsons is not going to improve your self-esteem.
  • Cat Fights: Classless and annoying… cut the shit, ladies.
  • Sexual Intercourse: I’ll save this topic for a later date

Dating

  • This is certainly debatable – but I believe that guy should be paying for the bill (on the first couple dates AT A MINIMUM), so don’t put up a fuss or make a scene.
  • Don’t put out on the first date, because we will, I repeat we WILL fornicate with you.  But will literally have almost no respect for you.
  • If you’re on an actual date – do you think getting shithoused is appropriate if you’re actually attempting to impress someone?  This is obviously more applicable for the male arena, but I’m sure there are a couple of lushy ladies reading this.  If you are one of said lushy lady, please seek help (cough cough Margaret & Sarah).

That is all for this Man Wednesday – I rushed it at the end because I’m running late for work (that’s what she said), see you all next week.

Respectfully,

John

 

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