First Date Fails:

30 Mar

awkward photo via flickr

Make a check list.

1. NEVER, I repeat, NEVER ever ask a girl out via Facebook or email. What are you 13? Call her up. Or better yet, do it in person. If you do it via Facebook or email she’ll probably have a good laugh at your expense and forward it to all her friends for group giggles. I don’t think that’s what you were going for, was it?

2. Don’t take her to a place with TVs plastered all over the walls. There’s nothing more annoying than trying to have a conversation with someone while you compete against the basketball, baseball, football or hockey game on TV. Stop acting like a magpie drawn in by something glittery. Your hot lady date is trying to speak to you! Listen.

3. Don’t just talk about yourself for hours and expect her to be enthralled. Let’s get to know each other!  She does not, however, need to know your life story. Bitches love to talk about themselves too, but it should be a 50:50 effort. If you’re talking about your awesome hobbies for 20 minutes and then she says “well, I work at a dog shelter in my spare time” and you’re looking off in the distance, uninterested, biting your fingernails, waiting for your turn to speak next… you just lost the game. We know when you’re listening and when you’re faking. Consider it your curse and our gift.

4. Over  dress, just a little. She probably did so odds are you’ll be on the same wave length. A bro date and a lady date are not one in the same, nor is the attire. Wear sneakers, a t-shirt and jeans to dinner and expect her to hug you goodbye at the end of the night. Sarah posted some appropriate shoes earlier today for your reference. Read and learn.

5. Pay. A friend once told me she recently went on a date and at the end of the dinner the guy wanted to go “halfsies” on the check. Bless her heart for not walking out on him right then and there. Boys, if you’re going to ask a girl out on a date, expect to pay the bill.

6. Hold the door. When guys walk in front of a girl and drop the door behind them, the night is going to end in a high five. Chivalry is not dead! I swear! Even my best guy friend holds the door for me. The man is a class act. Take notes, open the door for your date. Actually, I retract the chivalry thing. This is just common courtesy.

7. Don’t jump the gun. TRUE STORY… I went on a vomtastic date a few years ago with a guy who said something over lunch along the lines of “so, when you and I are getting physical in my bed later, I just want you to know I washed my sheets so they’re good to go. Also, do you want to make plans for 4th of July now or tomorrow?” Are you fucking kidding me? Hold up, sir, this is our first date. I don’t even know you. All I know about him now is that if his sheets were dirty at any point in his life after that date, he dirtied them himself, solo. I sure knew how to pick the winners back then. If you’re reading this mister, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID.

8. Don’t downplay yourself. If you’re out saying things like “Yeah, my game’s not that good so I’m thrilled you said yes.” She’s immediately going to re-think her decision. Don’t make bad jokes like that, nobody finds them amusing. Cue the awkward laughter.

9. Do not reference your ex-girlfriend, ever. I assure you your date doesn’t care who she is or what you used to do together. Besides, if you’re bringing her up, you probably shouldn’t be on a date anyway. Go home and cry over your old photo albums, Bud Light can in hand, listening to some song you fools used to dance to and learn to let go. There’s plenty of pretty fish in the sea.

10. Do not text at the table. I used to be bad at this myself so I know how hard it is, but put your phone in your pocket and leave it there during your date. Nothing is so important that it should be distracting you from what you’re doing in the real world, on real time. Focus.


High five! You’re 10 steps closer to having a successful first date. Good luck out there.

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