ManScaping: Good Stubble vs. Bad Stubble

23 Mar

this look says one thing: date rapist

Facial hair is an important part of every man’s look; it can make the ultimate difference between douchey and sexy, clean cut and bad boy, boyfriend material and one night stand (the list goes on). Men today seem to spend a lot of time on their facial hair however, one thing remains a mystery…Why can’t they tell the difference between some sexy barely-there stubble and a dry heave inducing chin strap?  Woman-kind may never know.

To combat this problem of good vs. evil ugly, I’ve decided to break it down in the simplest way I could possibly think of: with pictures. Think of this as facial hair kindergarten, gentlemen; and remember GOOD is on the right and BAD is on the left. Let’s begin:

George Clooney is the MASTER of stubble, in fact, he may actually have singlehandedly invented the whole trend. He looks sexy, like he just finished up a hard day of manual labor and thinks you look FOXY (hehe-peronal joke there, sorry in advance). Luda’s look on the other hand says, “my face was once burned in an oddly repetitive fire.” Designs in your facial hair, or any hair for that matter, are NEVER ok. Plus, when it starts to grow out you just look like even more of an idiot. You can tell by the look on Luda’s face that he’s overcompensating for his douch-tastic appearance.  It’s like he’s thinking, “would you still believe me if I told you I was pimpin all over the world?”. Well, Luda the answer is no, now go shave.

Sigh, McDreamy. What isn’t sexy about this guy? His stubble is a little thicker on the bottom than it is on the top; perfectly accentuating his chiseled features (take note). He is a dream come to life… and then BAM Adrien Grenier walks into the room and the crowd scatters to nearest emergency exit in horror. Seriously though, they had to put MAKEUP on Michael J Fox to make him look exactly like this in Teen Wolf (it took hours). If the execs down in Hollywood had any foresight, they would have just waited 20 years and cast Adrien. Hello, money-saver!

Even though Hugh Jackman is a little too might-be-gay for my taste, he is an accomplished veteran of the uber-sexy stubble look. Hugh can take his stubble from the gym to the red carpet and still manage to look amazing (and totally appropriate for the occasion). And then we come to Orlando Bloom…he knows that he’s not in the next Pirates move, right? I honestly can’t find the words to describe what’s happening on his face; it’s part mustache, part soul patch and all ugly. It reminds me of when the guys in middle school first discovered they could grow facial hair and said stupid shit like “You wanna touch my beard? My mom says it’s growing in awesome.” Your mom lied – and so did the person that told Orlando he was camera ready (awkward).

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