BODYguard for Hire:

23 Mar

We’ve been talking about this since…well, last thursday, so practically forever, and Sarah and I have ultimately determined that we need a bodyguard. Do I smell the sweet scent of your dream job?! Thought so. But! Before you blow up our classy gmail account with your application, here are the key responsibilities that the job requires:

1. Travel:  Where we go, you go. You are our well groomed, statuesque, buff male shadow.

2. Excellent Writing Skills: This job may sometimes require you to write vaguely threatening hand-written letters to people we know, thus delivering a message from us to them; via you.  Brush up on your cursive.

3. Unbeatable Dance Moves: You’re our bodyguard, so naturally we’re going to need to take you to bars and clubs with us for protection. We don’t want you against the wall looking like a predator, surveying the scenery. Not our style. We’ll require you hit the floor in close proximity, deadly dance moves on point, eagle eye on your girls, keeping the freaks at bay with effective stink eyes and subtle fighting words. No confrontation here, amigos!

4. Ninja Reflexes: Can’t kill a fly or spider at lightning speed with just your pinky finger? Then you’re not qualified to be our bodyguard.

5. An Appreciation for the Finer Things in Life: Our bodyguard will be required to be up to speed on all things luxe, celebrity, trendy and stylish. This is more for your benefit as opposed to ours. Learn to speak our language.

6. An Abnormally Large Collection of Black Clothing: Is all your clothing black? Meaning, does your wardrobe look like Kelly Cutrone’s in man form? Did you just understand my Kelly Cutrone reference? You’re our man.

7. A Gym Membership: GTL. Stay buff and fresh, my friend.

8. A Laundry List of Excuses for all Occasions: Start writing them down. When we need them to get out of something, you’re going to be right there with an unbeatable one. Outrageously brilliant excuses are grounds for a bonus. You can also secure a bonus by getting us an all expenses paid trip to Paris’ next fashion week and then chaperoning it. No pressure.

Does the above criteria sound like you? Apply below.

Oh, elephant in the room! Did we just describe sexual Australian Shengo Dean?

Bodyguard??

This happens to us a lot too.

The paparazzi are relentless, am I right? We kidddd. (Pssst, Shengo! Write us.)

All applicants please send resume and cover letter to DailyDoseofLies@gmail.com …At ease, gentlemen.

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