If Martha Stewart Was My Grandma…

15 Mar

The recent news of Martha Stewart becoming a grandmother brought only one thought into my mind: ” that is one SERIOUSLY lucky baby.” Prison term aside, Martha has all the makings of the perfect grandmother; she could spoil you with treats, teach you to make all of your own clothing and decor, and I KNOW she’d throw some kick ass birthday parties- pony included. Based on this random train of thought, I’ve established 3 major ways my life would be different if Martha was my grandma:

1. I’d be organized– If you’re Martha Stewart, you know where all the tape, scissors & tools are off the top of your head and you can get to them STAT in case of a craft catastrophe. In my three room apartment, there are probably about 3 or 4 pairs of scissors floating around and yet, I have absolutely no idea where they are. Martha’s granddaughter will definitely benefit from her Grandma’s organizational skills; for the rest of her life she will have a special, probably lace-covered place for her scissors, and I’m sure that she will have enough coordination to cut a straight line every time.

2. My school projects would have been AMAZING– One time when I was in elementary school, my mother helped me make a diorama of the state of Georgia with styrofoam and some green molding clay. Long story short, my diorama broke in half in the car on the way to school and traumatized baby Sarah had to smush the clay back together and pretend that it was fine for the rest of the day (true story). This would never happen to Martha’s grandchild. If Martha was my grandma, she would have created an exact replica of Georgia with a sturdier material than styrofoam (of course), and covered with with actual turf that she had flown in from a prize winning garden in Savannah. My project would have been the talk of the school, and I’m sure it would have filled the classroom with the aroma of a fresh Southern garden until it was time to take it home.

3. I’d throw fabulous parties– If there is one thing that Martha knows how to do, it’s host a party. Her food, decor, and entertainment are never complained about and I’m sure all of her guests leave with an extremely thoughtful parting souvenir. These impeccable skills would of course be engrained in the souls of Martha’s grandchildren, so that they could continue her party throwing traditions for generations to come. If and when I actually have someone over (which is rare), I’m usually praying that they don’t spill anything on the white carpet (not getting back my security deposit is my worst fear). In fact, I’ve been known to absentmindedly forget to even offer my guests a drink. Clearly, I am not hostess material and if Martha could, she’d look down on me with shame.

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