Archive | March, 2011

Jessica Simpson Tries Vertical Stripes, They Don’t Work

31 Mar

Sigh…where to begin? I can’t help but think that this is some kind of sick joke that WWD is playing on poor, simple Jessica Simpson. Even the headline that reads “Look at Me Now!” seems like a mockery; Jessica is a “big” woman and in THAT dress in front of THAT background (aka the super skinny photobombing mannequin), no one can really miss her. Now, I know that some of you might get annoyed at me for calling Jessica “big”. I understand that Jessica is happy with her body (and has no reason not to be) BUT, can’t she at least wear clothes that fit? There’s really nothing flattering about this dress; stripes of any kind aren’t supposed to warp over your boobs and hips like that, and when they do it makes you look bigger than you are (FACT).

this. looks. bad.

If Jessica had gone up a size or two, then maybe this would have been a cute ensemble but, alas…no such luck. I also think that a different, less “Toddlers in Tiaras” pose would have been a little bit more flattering for a woman with Jessica’s figure. Perhaps a token one-hand-on-hip pose or a happy peek-over-the-shoulder would have flaunted her curves rather than widening them. Bottom line, the editor that approved this shot is mean; he/she published this cover while imagining him/herself sitting at the popular table, laughing at all the “normies” and telling his/her friends that they absolutely MUST wear pink on Wednesdays.

Daily Dose…

31 Mar

Your once daily dive into the best offers, links, and stories on the interweb…

Gossip: The Biebs and Ashton Kutcher are in talks to star in a comedy together. Sadly, Kutcher will never be as good as he was on That 70’s show.

Fashion: Execs at Dior plan on taking their sweet time replacing Galliano…I can’t really blame them.

Shopping: Who wants to buy this dress for me from ideeli.com?

Hilarious: Britney Spears get’s covered in sh*t on Jimmy Kimmel…kind of. The only funny part is when she smacks Johnny Knoxville in the jewels.

Sultry Spring Beauty Trends

31 Mar

Guten tag lovers! Today, I bring to you spring make-up looks. There’s about a bajillion* makeup tutorial videos on YouTube and oddly enough I was unable to find one appropriate for this post (or one that didn’t bore me to mascara infused black tears), and so it shall be done through the magic of photos:

Spring is all about the COLOR.

Bright Blue Eye-Liner: Good for all eye colors. Keep the lines thin like in the photo.  Blend your lid with coppers, silvers or neutral brown tones. Use black or dark navy blue mascara to complete the look. Blue Eyeliner: L’Oreal HiP Pigments cream eyeliner, $12.00 – drug stores.

Photo via WorldCelebrity.co.co

 

Hot Lips: Bright pink lips are back with a vengeance. Perfect pop of color for all skin tones. Keep your eye makeup light and neutral so you’re not over-doing it. Clowns terrify me, do not scare me away with too much makeup. Keep the focus on the lips for this look. Lipstick: Givenchy in Hot Candy, $29 – Sephora.

Photo via "Things We Heart"

 

Smokey Purple Eyes: Works brilliantly with brown or green eyes to make them pop. If your eyes are blue, use darker shades of purple to achieve a similar effect. Make sure you blend your purples carefully using at least three different shades. Line with eggplant colored liner and use black mascara. Highlight with silver shadow under brows and on tear ducts. Eyeshadows: NYX Purple Smokey Look Kit, $11 – CherryCulture.com

Photo via Buzzle.com

 

Matte (no shine no shimmer) Skin: Lookin’ flawless. Save your glitter for summer, right now you’re going matte. No shine here. To get a matte finish: Decleor Aroma Purete Matte Finish Skin Fluid, $43 – SkinStore.com and Translucent Powder by Physicians Formula, $11 – drug stores.

Photo via Timeinc

 

Bright Cheeks: This photo encompasses two trends in one! Bright eyeliner and cheeks. Sexual styling. Blush: Bobbi Brown in Desert Pink, $22 – Nordstrom.

Photo via Lipgloss and Lilies

 

Wings: Winged eye-liner isn’t really specific to spring per-say but is a trend turned classic go to. Just be careful to keep it simple or you’ll end up looking like Amy Winehouse and you will not be making any new friends that day. Also, keep your lips neutral, you silly street walker. It’s a perfect evening look for all. Should you fancy a mixup, try liner in navy blue with navy mascara. Traditionally, Liquid Liner: Almay in Jet Black, $5 – Target.

Photo via Rescu

 

Multiple Brights: Choose three colors only. Two warm colors for the lid and a cool color to line with. Play around with different shades to find a look that best suits you. Mascara on this look  should be black. Eyeshadows: BH Cosmetics 120 Color Palette, $29.95 – BHcosmetics.com

Photo via Eyeshadow::Lipstick

COLOR on, my spring chickens.

*Bajillion is a real number. It’s what happens when you mix a billion, trillion and million and throw in a J.

First Date Fails:

30 Mar

awkward photo via flickr

Make a check list.

1. NEVER, I repeat, NEVER ever ask a girl out via Facebook or email. What are you 13? Call her up. Or better yet, do it in person. If you do it via Facebook or email she’ll probably have a good laugh at your expense and forward it to all her friends for group giggles. I don’t think that’s what you were going for, was it?

2. Don’t take her to a place with TVs plastered all over the walls. There’s nothing more annoying than trying to have a conversation with someone while you compete against the basketball, baseball, football or hockey game on TV. Stop acting like a magpie drawn in by something glittery. Your hot lady date is trying to speak to you! Listen.

3. Don’t just talk about yourself for hours and expect her to be enthralled. Let’s get to know each other!  She does not, however, need to know your life story. Bitches love to talk about themselves too, but it should be a 50:50 effort. If you’re talking about your awesome hobbies for 20 minutes and then she says “well, I work at a dog shelter in my spare time” and you’re looking off in the distance, uninterested, biting your fingernails, waiting for your turn to speak next… you just lost the game. We know when you’re listening and when you’re faking. Consider it your curse and our gift.

4. Over  dress, just a little. She probably did so odds are you’ll be on the same wave length. A bro date and a lady date are not one in the same, nor is the attire. Wear sneakers, a t-shirt and jeans to dinner and expect her to hug you goodbye at the end of the night. Sarah posted some appropriate shoes earlier today for your reference. Read and learn.

5. Pay. A friend once told me she recently went on a date and at the end of the dinner the guy wanted to go “halfsies” on the check. Bless her heart for not walking out on him right then and there. Boys, if you’re going to ask a girl out on a date, expect to pay the bill.

6. Hold the door. When guys walk in front of a girl and drop the door behind them, the night is going to end in a high five. Chivalry is not dead! I swear! Even my best guy friend holds the door for me. The man is a class act. Take notes, open the door for your date. Actually, I retract the chivalry thing. This is just common courtesy.

7. Don’t jump the gun. TRUE STORY… I went on a vomtastic date a few years ago with a guy who said something over lunch along the lines of “so, when you and I are getting physical in my bed later, I just want you to know I washed my sheets so they’re good to go. Also, do you want to make plans for 4th of July now or tomorrow?” Are you fucking kidding me? Hold up, sir, this is our first date. I don’t even know you. All I know about him now is that if his sheets were dirty at any point in his life after that date, he dirtied them himself, solo. I sure knew how to pick the winners back then. If you’re reading this mister, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID.

8. Don’t downplay yourself. If you’re out saying things like “Yeah, my game’s not that good so I’m thrilled you said yes.” She’s immediately going to re-think her decision. Don’t make bad jokes like that, nobody finds them amusing. Cue the awkward laughter.

9. Do not reference your ex-girlfriend, ever. I assure you your date doesn’t care who she is or what you used to do together. Besides, if you’re bringing her up, you probably shouldn’t be on a date anyway. Go home and cry over your old photo albums, Bud Light can in hand, listening to some song you fools used to dance to and learn to let go. There’s plenty of pretty fish in the sea.

10. Do not text at the table. I used to be bad at this myself so I know how hard it is, but put your phone in your pocket and leave it there during your date. Nothing is so important that it should be distracting you from what you’re doing in the real world, on real time. Focus.


High five! You’re 10 steps closer to having a successful first date. Good luck out there.

Man Wednesday’s Silver Fox of the Week, Rob Lowe:

30 Mar

Some of you are probably tweaking out a little inside conflicted and perhaps bewildered pondering: “Does sexy Rob really qualify for silver fox status? He’s not that grey in Parks and Recreation?”…..But, as the author of this blog I over rule you and thus, the score has just been settled. You owe me $1o. Allow me to explain: a dye job does not put him out of the running for those sexually silver.. Hot Rob qualifies and he’s silver foxing it up all week long.

Hotness below:

Photo via FitPerez.com

I can only hope my future silver fox third husband will be this fit at any point in his life, especially at stage silver. Le sigh. The man was born in 1964, I just want to remind you. Some guys just get all the good genes. Virtual high-five directed to Rob’s parents. A job well done.

Now, the salt + pepper:

Photo via IMBD.com

While Googling images of Rob for this post, I mistyped and Google suggested: Did you mean, Rob Lowe body? Ha, Google! Even the search engine realizes how svelte this man is. People must be Google imaging the shit out of those abs and buff arms. As they should.

Photo via GQ

Tisk tisk, Sarah! Rob’s going to be tres sad when he finds out you left him out of the wet t-shirt contest last Man Wednesday! You’re forgiven on my end, though. As fate would have it Sarah sent me the Vanity Fair cover yesterday afternoon via tweet for me to swoon over unaware that he had already been my pick for the week. We totes have ESPN, am I right? Fetch.

Photo: Author's Own. dream big.

Something to aspire to in your old(er) age. Soak it all in… NO! I’m punning again. Hump day fail. I promise to work on it for next week.

The Shoe Dilemma…

30 Mar

It has come to my attention that American men (possibly all men) honestly believe that they only need to own one pair of shoes at any given time. Sure, they may own dress shoes and running shoes for specific occasions but, for the every-day they rely solely (haha get it?) on one go-t0 pair. I first noticed this disturbing trend while living at home, where my mother had to resort to throwing my step-father’s shoes in the trash in order to get him to buy new ones. My step-father is an exceptional man so, I always assumed that this was simply one of his quirks and then, I entered the “real world.” Between my live-in boyfriend, co-workers and friends I have witnessed countless pairs of shoes that were dirty, scuffed, or literally falling apart. Some men are better than others, employing a “one pair per season rule” but (from my observation) a vast majority of men will wear a shoe until it comes apart at the seams (or stinks up the house). Can someone please explain this phenomena?

According to my boyfriend (my male reference for many fashion posts) the problem is selection. He claims that men have very little to choose from and thus are not overtaken with “shoe fever” the way us women-folk are. After doing a little digging (aka online shopping) I am fully prepared to call bullshit on this “no selection” argument; and I am willing to prove my point with a sensible yet stylish collage…

Any other excuses, Gentlemen?

Daily Dose…

30 Mar

Man Wednesday Edition…

Gossip: Enrique will not be touring with Britney Spears, as previously reported. Excuse me while I go cry in the shower…

Fashion: Esquire explains why the “Mad Men” look is (finally) dead.

Shopping: This winter’s MUST HAVE shearling trapper hat is now on sale at Ralph Lauren. Get it now for a chic look next year.

Hilarious: “Fit to Fly” with Richard Simmons…